dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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