me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
