it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm like, not good at living.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
