I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
