I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
