I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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