I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize