Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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