For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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