i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
