you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
