My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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