thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
