Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize