Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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