Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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