i already hear my dad disowning me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
