I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
