6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
