We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize