You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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