i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
