2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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