He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
