I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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