I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
