You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up under a house in Key West
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
