i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
