I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
