im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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