totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
