My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize