best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
