im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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