I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
