Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
