Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
