the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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