He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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