In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
