She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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