dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
