just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
