i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
