Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
