I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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