You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
me + whiskey = a bad person
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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