I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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