and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
