I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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