And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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