I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
