YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
