then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
