We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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